Breeder Blues
by Live-Ruido
Summary: It's been many years, and now Sasuke needs a wife. MockPrincessfic Back with vengeance!
1. Prologue

Prologue:

The wind was blowing.

Sasuke stood in the braches of a tree, staring down at Sakura while she ate her lunch, his mind full of thoughts. He was now at stage two in his life. Digging his hand into his pocket, he pulled out a small note book and turned to the first page.

**THINGS TO DO:**

**Kill Itachi:**

**Revive clan:**

**Die:**

Sasuke stared at the first note on his list before checking it off. Sure, know one knew how he actually killed Itachi, Naruto just figured happened it out.

_"Hey Sasuke! How did you kill Itachi?"_

_"He's dead"_

_"I know that…how did you do it?"_

_"I killed him."_

_Naruto paused_

_"You didn't kill him did you…"_

_"Shut up! He died! Then he was dead! Because I killed him!" Sasuke shouted._

_…_

_"He was too blind to see you and accidentally stabbed himself, neh?"_

_"…yes…"_

Sasuke shook off the memory and checked an item off the list. 'At least I got to laugh at him while he died' He though as he turned a page in the notebook.

**Breeding Checklist:**

**The following must be true for any woman an Uchiha wishes to breed with. Doing so against the following results in death**

**Please Circle Y for yes and N for no.**

**Ovaries:**

**Y/N**

There was only one item.

Sasuke smiled as he circled Y. 'Why must they be so strict?' He thought at he jumped down behind Sakura.

"Sakura…"

She spun around, "Sasuke?"

Sasuke droped to one knee.

"Eh!?" Sakura yelled as he took her hand.

"Sakura…will you be my baby factory?"

…

"I cant! This is all wrong!"

Sasuke backed away

"You don't love me?"

"No! It's just we got to do this right! I got to get ready! You should have given me notice! There's so much to do!" Sakura screamed as she ran towards her house.

Sasuke stood puzzled.

"What!?"

Sasuke got home late that night. Right before he jumped into bed, he noticed a note on his desk. It was big, and looked like parchment from some medieval novel. He picked it up and read it.

_Dear brave knight Sasuke,_

_I am but a sad locked away princess in a high tower... My father keeps me there and intends to feed me to a dragon soon! Please help save me and then we can get married!_

_Love,_

_Princess Sakura._

_PS: You better do this or you can kiss you clan goodbye!_

_-Sakura_

Sasuke blinked at the note.

The wind was blowing...

And life blew right along with it.

* * *

Thanks for reading. More will come. But to clarify: This is a parody, Sasuke isn't in love, he just needs to breed. 


	2. Past Commitments

Chapter One: Past Commitments

"So Sakura wants to be a princess;" Sasuke asked Naruto. He had found his friend at the ramen bar, of course, and decided to sit next to him to try and make sense of his new problem. Here he was: Twenty years old, had finished one third of his life goals, and washing down his problems with ramen.

"Yup." Naruto replied as he slurped up some pork.

"And wants me to rescue her;"

"Yup."

"In a tower far away;"

"Yup."

"And everyone is in on this;"

"Yup."

"How did she pull that off?"

"Well…" Naruto said as his eyes slid out of focus

It had been a quiet day eleven years before. Hinata was starting to train with her father, Shikamaru was discovering shogi, Lee was failing at chakra, and Naruto only got smacked ten times.

He celebrated this new record with ramen.

Meanwhile, a nine year old Sakura was planning the best day of her life, No! anyone's life! No! The history of the world! No! The Universe!

Her and Sasuke's wedding.

Now like any other young girl, Sakura had read a near fatal dosage of Princess Books. She had piles of gowns, drawings, and toys devoted to them, and had just finished reenacting her favorite one: Super Special Awesome Knight Saves the Princess. She loved that one, especially because it was a Limited Engrish Edition by 4kids. None of the dialogue made sense, and there was evidence of bad photo doctoring over the blood, but she loved it all the same. She was loved it so much that she wanted Sasuke to reenact it before their wedding. She was writing the finishing touches to the plan on a big piece of pink construction paper.

"There! All done! Sasuke will just love to do this before our wedding." She kissed the paper, rolled it up, and stuck it under her bed.

'Now all I need is some help.' She thought, she knew the best way to do it: Blackmail and Bribes.

**Naruto**

"So let me get this straight…I sign this, then help you get Sasuke, years from now, and in return, I get to watch you swim naked in ramen?"

"Yes." Sakura shuttered, it was weird but worth it.

Blood shot out of Naruto's nose onto the paper.

…

"Does this still count as a signature?"

**Ino**

"So let me get this straight… I sign this, then give up on Sasuke, and you leave him duct taped to my door once a week guaranteed?"

"Yes." Sakura shuttered, it was weird but worth it.

Blood shot out of Ino's nose onto the paper.

…

"Does this still count as a signature?"

**Shikamaru**

"So let me get this straight… I sign this, help you get Sasuke, and you will build me a giant cloud decorated shogi board?"

"YES…" Sakura was getting tired of repeating herself.

Blood shot out of Shikamaru's nose onto the paper.

And onto Sakura.

…

Sakura turned to kill him when she realized he was already dead of blood loss.

At least he would help

**Chouji**

"My price is higher than others. You help me get my precious, I'll help you." Chouji chuckled. He had heard about his teammates and Naruto. He was shocked at how different and similar they were.

Sakura tossed him a bag of Barbecue chips.

"PRECIOUS!" Chouji screamed.

Chouji jumped to catch the chips, crouched over them, and proceeded to eat them.

"We have a deal?" Sakura asked

"Precious is beautiful yes?"

"Yes," Sakura sighed, "Now do we have a deal?"

"Do we have a deal precious?" Chouji asked as he squeezed his stomach to make a pair of lips.

"She may be trixy precious". Chouji's stomach replied

"But she gives us the precious!"

"I don't likes her, but she did give us precious…"

"We have a deal precious?" Chouji turned his stomach lips toward Sakura.

"We do precious." The lips said as they curled into a smile.

Sakura had nightmares for a week.

**Hinata**

Two shadows stood in the night, each cloaked by a hood. Slowly they moved towards each other. They passed each other a box, thanked each other, and left. Sakura smiled as she held the hyuuga sealed paper contract, guaranteeing her help. She hoped Hinata would like her gift when she opened the parcel.

She would.

When Hinata got home and opened the box, she glared triumphantly at its contents.

Fox tranquilizers.

**Shino**

Shino was easy to please. She found him tending to his bugs.

"Yes?" He asked as he turned to Sakura.

"Do it."

"'kay." He replied as he turned back to his bugs.

**Kiba**

"Dog Biscuts…"

Sakura smiled.

Kiba sighed, "You realize I'm not a dog…"

Sakura's smile drooped.

"Yes…but one of these is."

Sakura threw him some pictures. Kiba picked them up and stared at them. He stared at the two figures in the frame that were holding each other closely.

"DAD!?"

_NARUTO! WAKE UP!_

Naruto's eyes slid back into focus as he looked at Sasuke's angry face over their food.

"You don't want to know."

Thanks for reading! Please Review!


	3. Name Game

Chapter Two: Name Game

Sai was having an normal day. Ino had been spending the better part of the last week teaching him what was normal; and so, he learned at a normal level, and at a normal speed, and used them normally. He had gotten up at an normal rate, drew an normal amount of pictures, strolled trough Konoha (normally), and found his old boss, Tenzo, and normally told him to shove his head up his ass; Normally.

Ino would be so proud.

But today was not a normal day. Today was a special day. Today was the day he and The Dickless Wonder where to begin guiding Sasuke on his quest for the Princess. Yet unlike Dickless and the others, he had to do this by Hokage order. And it had been such a normal Sunday…

Sai knew the truth. While Tsunade was drunk again, Sai and Sakura went through the mission lists. She grabbed one requested by some girl named Sakura Hearts Kyuubi. It was an odd request written in a foreign language that requested all her graduating class to go to a hot spring resort for a week; and that Dickless and Sakura were to share a room. While Sai said she had nothing to fear from Naruto, since he was The Dickless Wonder, she was still mad. She changed it, ordering that Sai escort Sasuke on his quest to be the Super Special Awesome Knight. While on paper it made no sense, Tsunade was too drunk to care and ordered Sai to follow Sasuke around.

Sai sighed and looked at his team mates at the ramen bar. His brain working like a machine:

**Target:** Sasuke Uchiha

**Gender:** Male

**Pros:** Sharingan

**Cons:** Might be gay, emo.

**Nicknames:**

Slits

Queer of Hearts

**Target:** Naruto Uzumaki

**Gender:** ???

**Pros:** Nine-Tailed Fox demon inside

**Cons:** Idiot, Lacks anti-man button to kick

**Nicknames:**

Dickless Wonder

Crotch Rot

His analysis's done, Sai moved towards them, and sat next to Sasuke. Sasuke looked to his left and his right.

He was trapped.

"So Slits… how about we get this Princess thing on the road?" Sai asked, an obviously fake smile on his face.

"Please don't call me that"

"I'll stop when you stop." Sai pointed to Sasuke's wrists, which he quickly hid under the bar.

"Look, this is important, I need to get to Sakura, marry her, and get babies, got it?

"Whatever, Slits."

"My name is Sasuke!" Sasuke yelled, "S-A-S-U-K-E! Get it!?" His face was red and he was beginning to hyperventilate.

Sai nodded and promptly responded: **No.**

Sasuke threw up his hands in defeat and turned back to his food, only to be interrupted again.

"Hey Sasuke," said Naruto, "I just realized, you have Uke in your name!" Naruto laughed.

"Naruto…you have known me for years, and you just noticed?"

Naruto nodded, pleased with himself.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DIDN'T KNOW MY NAME HAD UKE IN IT!" Sasuke yelled "I MEAN, YOU CAN'T SPELL SASUKE WITHOUT UKE! UKE IS PART OF ME! PART OF WHO I AM!"

Naruto's eyes bugged out. People were starting to stare in awe.

"Sasuke…maybe you shouldn't yell that out…"

"Why!? It's just my name! Watch!" Sasuke jumped out of his seat and stormed into the street, huffing the entire way.

"ATTENTION: EVERYONE! I AM SICK OF YOU LOOKING AT ME WEIRD WHEN I TALK ABOUT THE UKE PART OF ME! IT'S BEEN THERE ALL ALONG! HOW HAVE YOU NOT NOTICED!? THE UKE HAS ALWAYS BEEN PART OF WHO I AM! CAN'T YOU SEE PAST THAT!? I'M NOT HIDING ANYTHING ANYMORE! WHY DOES NOBODY LIKE ME WHEN I TALK ABOUT THE UKE HALF OF ME! I LOVE BEING UKE! WHY CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT!?" Sasuke shrieked at the top of his lungs, as he pulled out a kunai and slit his writs in a dramatic finish of his show. Blood sprayed out like a fountian as he collapsed to the ground crying, before losing conciousness.

Naruto stared.

Sai blinked.

Konoha stopped.

And somewhere, Sakura twitched.

Naruto ran out to the street.

"Uh…Thanks for watching everyone! That's our show! Good night!" he called back to the crowd as he carried Sasuke back to his apartment.

Sasuke woke several hours later. Recognizing the smell of ramen, he looked around to see that he was lying on Naruto's bed.

"Sasuke…" Sasuke turned to see Naruto sitting by the bed, "Do you know what an uke is?"

"Half my name" Sasuke replied happily, crossing his arms.

Naruto Sighed.

This was going to take a lot of work.

* * *

Thanks for Reading. 


	4. Class is in Session

Chapter Three: Class is in Session

Sasuke was sulking. But for a new twist, it had nothing to do with Itachi. Naruto had tied him to his bed and had found a chalkboard, which Naruto was writing on. Sai had just shown up to laugh at Sasuke.

"Okay Sasuke…since you had no idea what you actually said last night, I would like to welcome you to," Naruto flipped the board over, "Naruto's Ultimate Awesome Sex Ed Class!"

…

"What!?" Sasuke shrieked, furiously trying to escape his bonds.

"Let's start at the beginning. Sasuke, what is sex?" Naruto asked.

"Another word for gender?" Sasuke replied as he gave up struggling.

…

"Are you serious?"

"Yes."

Neither Sai nor Naruto could believe it. Sasuke had devoted half of his life to something, and he did not even know what that something was.

"Weren't you told about this by your family before the incident?" Naruto asked.

"Well…my dad was going to before he died." Sasuke said as he looked towards the ceiling…

_Itachi was strolling through the Uchiha compound many years ago on a rather lovely day. He was enjoying the walk, the day, the world, and life itself. He loved everything around him; Especially Sasuke. He would never let Sasuke be hurt._

_As he walked he heard his father talking in the next room. He was about to enter to smile to his father and talk with him, when he heard the conversation between his father and mother._

_"Fugaku…Sasuke's getting old enough, don't you think?" Itachi's mother Mikoto asked._

_"Yes…He is nearing his eight year. It is time he learned about his heritage, and how to further the line." Itachi's father replied. "Its time we had…"_

_Itachi's lip quivered in fear…theres no way.._

_"THE…TALK."_

_Itachi gasped. No…they couldn't do that! No one can hurt his little brother, especially not through the emotionally scaring talk. There must be away to stop Sasuke from learning about sex._

_"I'll do it later this week." Fugaku said._

_Itachi closed his eyes. He had thought of it; The only and best way to save Sasuke from the horrors of the talk. Sasuke would never hear it, and would be too busy to learn or do it after next week. He opened his eyes to reveal blazing sharingans._

_There was much to prepare._

"Whatever" Sasuke said as he shrugged the question off.

"But Sasuke," Naruto asked, "…Don't you know how babies are made?"

Sasuke sighed as if Naruto had asked what two plus two was, "Get married, baby comes once every nine months unless you say no. It all depends on if a woman wants to contract pregnancy."

"What!? Contract pregnancy!?"

"Don't you know anything, idiot? Pregnancy is an ancient disease that they keep in bottles. It causes children in women. When a couple wants a baby, they go to the Hokage, and she infects the woman, and in nine months, the woman's body kills the infection, causing the baby to be expelled along with the virus. Got it loser?" Sasuke asked, while he smirked at Naruto, obviously pleased with himself.

Naruto almost fainted.

Sai blinked

"Wow…"

"Sasuke…haven't you ever listed to your little Uchiha?"

"Huh"

"Your…wang-doodle…"

"Uh…no…It doesn't have a mouth to talk with, stupid."

"He means your sex drive." Sai added.

"My gender drive?"

Sai gave up. He was being paid to protect Sasuke, but this was ridiculous. Sai got up, walked behind Naruto, and knocked the boy out with the chalkboard and began to give a lecture.

"Alright Slits, it all begins with…"

When Naruto awoke, he noticed that thirty minutes had passed. He sat up to see Sai drawing, and Sasuke shivering. He looked as if he had seen a ghost.

"…and then the baby comes out; any questions?" Sai asked.

Sasuke sat motionless, his mouth opening and closing, trying to make words that were not there come out.

"I have to do that…with Sakura!? No! Make someone else do it!" Sasuke cried.

"You killed the only other one stupid!" Naruto yelled, as a knock at the door interrupted the conversation. Naruto answered it, only to find a man if medieval clothing at the door.

"Verily, young knave, I have in my possession, a message to thine master Sir Sasuke Uchiha, from the fair Princess Sakura Haruno." The man said, with a bow and a large smile.

Naruto looked back at Sasuke and Sai, who shrugged, before turning back to the man.

"'Kay…"

The man pulled out a small guitar, and began playing an accompaniment to the message, which he sang in a loud, yet off key voice:

_Oh! Great Knight Sasuke come unto me!_

_and yes thou shouldst take that literally_

_Please make haste to me_

_For the function of a baby._

The man took in a large breath, and spewed out the second verse quickly.

_PS- Hurry thine Oedipal hindquarters to mine tower or verily I willst bludgeon thine oedipal head upon thy wall for all oedipal days from here to oedipal death. Doust thou comprehend, Oedipus?" _The man asked, smiling towards Sasuke.

Sasuke internally decided to be the man he had to be for the second half of his life, by crying uncontrollably.

The wind was blowing again.

And life still blew along with it.

* * *

Thanks for Reading. If you don't know who Oedipus is, look it up. Makes it all better. 


	5. Shall We Play a Game?

Hey all, sorry about how long this one took, but I'm back and ready to roll. I hope. Please read and enjoy.

* * *

After finally convincing Sasuke to take one for the team, the trio set off towards "Princess Sakura". Naruto lead the team forward, while Sai followed absent mindedly. Sasuke, meanwhile was pooling over an Occult book. 

"Sasuke, I'm pretty sure that bringing Itachi back to life, even if it worked, is gonna piss some deity off, or at least get you arrested."

"Shut Up! He was older! It's his responsibility as eldest to repopulate, not mine!"

"Even if you brought him back, I doubt he would want this anymore than you do."

"Why?"

"Well…he did hang out with a shark man all day, and you know what's true about sharks."

"What?"

"They have two..." Sai started, only to have Naruto cover his mouth.

It was not worth it.

"HALT!"

* * *

Chapter Four: Shall We Play A Game? 

The trio stopped, to see Kiba, standing in the way of the road.

"Welcome hero, and lowly attendants!"

"_I think he means you…._" Sai whispered to Naruto, earning him a glare.

"I am Sir Kiba, and I hold the trial of wisdom! To get past me to Lady Sakura, you must prove your wisdom."

…

The three huddled

"Why is the Eye-Dee-Ten-Tee in charge of wisdom?" Sasuke whispered.

"I think they ran out of jobs?"

"This doesn't make any sense."

"None of this makes sense! I have to go through trials and climb a stupid tower to save a voluntarily kidnapped woman! And you Naruto!" Sasuke shouted, pointing at Naruto, "Why are you so willing to help me have kids with Sakura?"

Naruto sighed.

"Look bastard. The faster you two screw, the faster you abuse her, the faster you divorce her, and the faster I pick her up on the rebound, and have her climb MY tower for a change."

Sasuke blinked.

"Make sense to you?"

"Yes, but the fact that you came up with that doesn't…" Sai said

"Uh...guys, can we hurry up…I don't really want to be here." Kiba asked

"Eh?" Sasuke said as the huddle broke, "Sure. What's the deal here then?"

Kiba cleared his throat. "Attention Knights! I am the keeper of wisdom! Your jobs is to prove your wisdom and defeat me! Only those with true wisdom can-"

"Didn't I beat you by farting in your face?" Naruto asked.

"That was different. Anyway…only the wise can-"

"Are you saying that what comes out of my ass is smarter than you?"

"It's certainly smarter than what ever comes out your mouth."

"Idiot!"

"Loser!"

Naruto and Kiba began to glare at each other, before erupting into a fight.

"So Sasuke, how do you intend to show your wisdom?" Sai asked

"By leaving…"Sasuke said as he began to walk away. Unfortunately he could not move. He tried to see what was happening, but before he could look, he had begun to dance. He looked down and noticed a long black line extending away from him.

Shikamaru

"Ok…Ok…I'll do the challenge, just come out so I can see you."

Shikamaru stepped out from behind the bushes, yawning as he walked. "God, why do I have to be here, its so-"

"Troublesome?"

"Exactly;"

"So…what is my challenge of wisdom? How about Shogi?"

"Nah…Let's play Global Thermonuclear War."

"Huh?"

"I mean…Shogi. Yes."

"What was that last one?"

"Shogi."

"No I…"

"Shogi."

"But…"

"Do you want a clan or not."

"Not really anymore." Sasuke admited

"Well, I get paid either way so I don't care."

"So whats ahead of me?"

"Well, the challege of power, and the challege of courage, then maybe some dragon or something. I don't care. By the way, you might want to check on your monkey there."

"Eh?" Sasuke turned around, immediately wishing he hadn't.

Naruto was somehow naked and sitting on Kiba's (also naked) back, and was trying to use his headband to strangle Kiba. Meanwhile, Akamaru was biting Naruto's neck while Sai was drawing a picture of the whole thing.

"Sai…Why are you drawing that?" Sasuke asked.

"Do you have any idea how much Hinata pays for KibaNaru doujinishi?"

"I don't want to know, but I can guess."

"Exactly;" Sai smiled as he turned back to his work.

"Do they know about this?"

"They never question the royalty checks."

"Ah…"

While Kiba and Naruto fought, Sai began to add dialogue, and Sasuke and Shikamaru began their game of Shogi. However, Sasuke had a secret weapon. He turned to page three of his Uchiha Family notebook.

_Uchiha Problem solving_

_The following are to be used whenever anyone in the Uchiha Family has some problems. Please turn to the proper page._

**4.** Family

**5.** Work

**6.** Clan

**7.** Shogi

**8.** Missions

Sasuke smirked as he turned to page seven and began to read:

_Uchiha Secret Shogi Victory Technique._

_Use this whenever you have a challenger you might not be able to beat in shogi._

Kill everyone around you.

Sasuke gaped. This could not be, he turned the page to see if there were further instructions, but only found the Missions page.

_Uchiha Mission Help Technique_

_Use this whenever you have a problem on a mission_

Kill everyone around you.

Sasuke continued to gape; he quickly shifted back to page four: Family. He studied the page, and dropped the book in shock.

_Uchiha Family help Techniques_

_Use these various solutions for the various problems below:_

_Annoying Sibling_

**Kill everyone around you**

_Annoying Parents_

**Kill everyone around you.**

_Annoying Child_

**Kill everyone around you.**

_Abusive Sibling_

**Kill everyone around you.**

_Abusive Parents_

**Kill everyone around you.**

_Abusive Child_

**Kill everyone around you.**

_Baby Who Will Not Stop Crying_

**Kill everyone around you.**

_Child who spills milk_

**Kill everyone around you.**

_Child Who Trips_

**Kill everyone around you.**

_Child Who Asks You Questions_

**Kill everyone around you.**

_Child Who Breathes_

**Kill everyone around you**.

Sasuke stared at the book.

This explained so much.

"Oh my god Shikamaru! I found the reason it happened! It all makes sense! It wasn't my fault! It wasn't Itachi's fault, he was brain washed. I finally can forgive him! Itachi! My brother! I forgiv- EH!?"

Sasuke's rant had been interrupted by a loud snore, he turned to see that Shikamaru was asleep. Sasuke was about to wake him up when he heard Kiba's voice.

"Congratulations! You passed!" Kiba shouted.

"Eh?"

"You had no shot what so ever of beating Shikamaru, so you bored him to sleep and won by default."

"But I was showing my feelings!" Sasuke cried, "It was a heartfelt expanse of emotion spread on a canvas of feeling. I was-"

"Shut up and move. I want to go home."

Sasuke wiped his eyes, picked up Naruto's (still naked) unconscious body, and began to drag it along the road (smacking against the rocks as he dragged), as Sai followed in tow.

"Hey." Sai said, "Dickless does have a-"

"SHUT UP!"

* * *

Yes the Thermonuclear War is from Wargames. If you never saw it, it's good. 

Reviews are appreciated, but I won't beg.


	6. No Soliciting

I don't know why, but this chapter feels weak. If it really is bad, tell me so I can scrap it. I just wanted to give you guys something to read.

* * *

"Great. We still have two more trials for till this stupid thing is over." Sasuke groaned. It had been two days and he was incredibly tired of walking. 

"We'll, at least we're getting exercise" Naruto said cheerily. Sasuke turned and shot him a mean look, which went unnoticed as Naruto was walking around with his eyes closed again. Yet, he still never managed to run into anything.

_'HOW DOES HE DO THAT!?'_ Sasuke thought.

"Hey, who's that?" Naruto shout, also having no trouble seeing a person at least a hundred feet away while still walking in a straight line.

With his eyes closed.

_'HOW DOES HE DO THAT!?'_ Sasuke thought, before turning to see what Naruto was talking about. Ahead of them was a person covered by a large cloak.

"Ominous." Sai said.

"Let's say 'hi' to it and give them a big hug!" Naruto yelled.

Meanwhile, Hinata pushed her fingers together under the cloak. She was getting more and more nervous as Naruto came closer and closer.

'Must not faint, must not faint,'

"HI!" Naruto shouted as her grabbed her in a big hug.

Hinata stood paralyzed. _Think un-sexy thoughts, think un-sexy thoughts, think un-sexy…_

Slowly thoughts began to form in her head. They started as Naruto, which turned into foxes, back to Naruto, to monkeys, to dancing monkeys, to dancing monkeys with long hair, to dancing monkeys singing with long hair, to Neji coming out of the bath singing "Hey hey! You you! I don't like your girlfriend!"…

Hinata screamed, fainted, and died a little inside.

* * *

Chapter Five – No Soliciting 

When Hinata came to, she saw the three men standing around her as she lay on the ground. Fortunately, her cloak still covered most of her face.

"Hey, you ok?" one of them asked.

"…"

Sasuke was already bored, "Look we got to go, so uh, bye." he said as he turned and left, the other two following him.

"No!" Hinata said to herself, helplessly reaching towards the trio. She began to chase after them. Meanwhile, Naruto, Sasuke, and Sai began to talk.

"So…read any good books lately?" Naruto asked the other two.

"You can read?" Sai asked.

"'Course I can! Well have you guys?"

Well, I just read Anna Karinina," Sasuke said, "it's a heartbreaking story of some people in a place called Russia. Adultery, love; It was very good."

"I read Good Omens; it's a satire of religion and the apocalypse." Sai said.

Naruto fell silent.

"What did you read Naruto?"

"…Reading for Dobes…" Naruto said, hanging his head in shame.

Sai began to talk, but was interrupted by a quiet voice.

"E-e-ex-cuse me…"

The boys stopped, turned around, and saw the person from before.

"If I could have a moment of your-"

"Sorry not interested." Sasuke interrupted.

"Please, if you-" Hinata stammered.

"Nope, already donated."

"But I'm not-"

"I don't like Jehovah's Witnesses."

"What? No I-"

"God doesn't exist."

"That's not a-"

Sasuke sighed, "Look, what is it with you people? I am not donating, I don't have any money, I don't care about your religion, AND I-"

"WILL YOU SHUT UP! I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU SCREW SAKURA HERE!" Hinata yelled, before covering her hands with her mouth, embarrassed at what she said. As she began to shake, the hood fell off, revealing her face.

"Well, I'd say you have my attention Hinata, but I think you used up your words for the day just now."

Hinata blushed hard, "Um… I am the keeper of power; you must prove your power to me by beating me in a fight in order to proceed."

Sasuke stared, He did not want to fight this girl, as he did not have enough time for all this. He quickly pulled out his notebook, and flipped to the twelfth page.

**Uchiha Bargaining Strategies**

**These methods are guaranteed to help you get out of any situation you do not want to be it.**

**Option A:**

**Kill everyone around you**

Sasuke groaned.

**Option B:**

**Give them something they want that will distract them while you run away.**

"Hmm…" Sasuke contemplated the option.

**Option C:**

**Kill everyone around you.**

Sasuke closed the book, thinking to himself.

'_Hmm…A is…Itachi, B has merit, C has murder'_

_Merit;_

_Murder;_

_Murder;_

_Merit;_

"Sasuke?" Hinata asked. He had been standing in the same position for ten minutes, and had begun to drool.

"Tell you what," Sasuke said, "I give you Naruto, and you let us go."

"What!?"

"Deal;"

Sasuke turned, and punched Naruto in the face. Naruto went down, hard, but before he had bounced once, Hinata had scooped him up began to run with him to the nearest bush.

"That was fast." Sai said.

"He's faster." Sasuke replied.

"What?"

"Give it a minute. Let's go."

The now duo began to walk down the road, they had been walking for about thirty seconds before they heard a feminine voice from behind them.

"WHAT THE HELL!? ALREADY!?"

Sai looked at Sasuke, who was now smiling, "How the hell do you know that?"

"Well, the incident involved a bath house, a giraffe, an evil duck, twelve bottles of sake, and a very creative imagination." Sasuke said while still staring ahead.

"What about the fox's stamina?"

"That's the problem."

"What do you mean?" Sai asked.

"Let's just say, that when the fox came to attack Konoha, he came quickly."

…

Sai gaped.

"Oh God…"

* * *

Hey... This took a while... but that's what I get for taking five AP classes. Either way, this chapter feels weak, but I wanted to give you guys something. As I said before, if you really don't like it, tell me and I'll rewrite it. Or I'll just tell you I'm sorry and to look for me in the closet. It on your heads and my writs now. Happy trails! 


	7. The Knight of Cydonia

Wow, it has been a while, but I'm back again. I've been working hard, but I finally broke away and got some time to write:

* * *

She walked in a special way, that way that walkers walk when they feel…walky. She was gorgeous, amazing, perfect, and many others things that can not be defined until the word "Omni-super-pro-i-wanna-screw-it-so-badly-awesome" is invented in 3028 after the War of the Clusterfuck between men and the mole people.

But paying no mind to that, she continued to walk in that "oh so beautiful" way; for she was Jane "Ai Hime" Swanson: a world famous singer and dancer by day, and a missing ninja from every country by night. She just never liked any village very much. She had tried all of them, but once she got to a Jonin rank, she became bored and used her bloodline to manipulate time to make herself an academy student in another village while still retaining all her previously acquired ninja knowledge. It was tiresome, but she was misunderstood, seeing as she was abused as a child by her parents every night until a fire tragically killed them. Jane was so sad, she wept for one hundred days, despite all the previous beatings inflicted upon her.

And so, Jane continued on with her life, always pushing forward, until she pushed backwards to a new village. Few people knew about her amazing ability, and those who did would ask her, "Jane" before being interrupted by a loud grunt. Said friend would then sigh, and say, "Ai Hime," to which Jane immediately perked up, "If you can manipulate time, why don't prevent the abuse done to you by your parents? Or why not at least go back for revenge?" Jane would simply chuckle to herself before thrusting her chest into her friend's face. Jane was lucky that she was so attractive to both men and women, and she was especially proud of her chest. It was unfortunate that a fist surrounded by lightning had just punched through it.

Sasuke retracted his fist, grabbed the thing in front of him and began to pummel it. Each blow to that thing seemed to carry the next one, like an elegant waltz; the first blow was strong, while the second was a weaker, and the third set up the thing for another strong blow.

1 2 3, 1 2 3, 1 2 3

After many combos, Sasuke grabbed the thing and threw it up into the air, which he promptly jumped up to and, using his lion combo, knocked it back down to the ground. While still floating in mid-air, he formed some hand signs and thought to himself, 'Fire Style: Grand Fireball Jutsu!' before unleashing a huge ball of fire downward and onto the thing below him. He then unleashed his cursed seal and, using his wings, he flew into high the air while charging his second and final Chidori for the day. Once he could no longer see anything but trees, he rocketed back towards the earth and slammed the Chidori into the now badly burned thing beneath him.

When Sai finally caught up to Sasuke, he had to lean on a tree in order to catch his breath. Panting heavily, he kept moving until he saw a huge crater where the road used to be, in which Sasuke was currently poking a corpse with a stick. Sai looked at it, and based on the pelvis shape, as all that was left of the torso area was the skeleton, he assumed it was, or at least at once was, a girl.

Sasuke continued to poke it with a stick.

"Sasuke, what did you, and what are you doing to that dead girl?"

Sasuke stopped poking the girl, looked up at Sai, back at the girl, back at Sai, pulled out a small notebook from his pockets, flipped a few pages in it, and looked back at the girl.

"Sorry, I thought you were a deer." Sasuke said.

* * *

Chapter Six – The Knight of Cydonia

"Well, aside from your "Sue-icidal" tendencies, we seem to be in good condition for the final battle, despite being down a man. According to the instructions, there should be a castle up ahead, where you'll fight some dragon, and save Sakura." Sai said nonchalantly. Even with Naruto being…preoccupied, they would still head towards their goal.

"Right, let's get moving" The two promptly took off down the road. Soon the road disappeared as they leapt into the air and began to jump from tree to tree. Sasuke wished he could deny it, but he was actually looking forward to saving Sakura. Finally, the glorious Uchiha clan would return to its former power. He became anxious, and his heart began to beat faster when he saw the tower rise out in front of him. He stopped about a hundred yards from it, and saw Sakura, dressed as a princess, looking out over the top balcony ten stories up. Unfortunately, there was a giant dragon in between them. It was immobile, but a dragon none the less.

"Hey Sakura! Get down here!" Sasuke yelled, only to be ignored by the maiden.

"I'm…uh…here to rescue you!" Sakura continued to ignore the boy.

"I…love you?" Sasuke shrugged. Sakura sighed, left the balcony, and upon returning, threw a large pile of papers at Sasuke's feet. "Just read everything with your name next to it!" she yelled.

Sasuke picked up the stack of papers. It looked like some kind of script. Rolling his eyes, he flipped to the page marked THIS IS WHERE YOU FIGHT THE DRAGON, STUPID.

"Dearest…Princess," Sasuke mumbled in a monotone, "I am here to rescue you."

"Oh brave knight, I would love for that, but I am helpless, and there is a dragon here protect me through!"

Sasuke stared at the pages in disbelief, none of this made any sense! He continued on in a monotone voice, "Points to Dragon: I will slay thee, Dragon! Stands Triumphantly: I am the stronger best Knight in the entire world. Proceeds to draw sword-"

"Sasuke! Stop reading the stage directions!" Sakura yelled.

"You told me to read everything with my name in front of it!" Sasuke barked back.

"You're ruining the artistic beauty of this story!"

"This 'story' doesn't even make grammatical sense!"

"Just do it or I'll beat you senseless!" Sakura shrieked.

"Aren't you supposed to be helpless?"

"GET ON WITH IT!"

"FINE!" Sasuke yelled. "Dragon! I'm here to kill you!"

The dragon began to move, slowly opening its mouth, speaking in a deep voice, "I am your final test: The Great Dragon of Shadows, Lord of Undead, Commander of the-"

"I can see the strings Sakura! Just skip to the end so I can kill it!"

Sasuke heard some muffled cursing. "Very well!" the dragon yelled, now sounding distinctly female and annoyed. "The final test is to do the impossible! I have the power to do anything that you, Sasuke the Uchiha Genius, can not do!"

"Then how come you don't have an erection?" Sai yelled out, for which he was quickly hit by Sasuke.

"This is stupid!" Sasuke yelled, only to be promptly struck by a tree the dragon shot out of its mouth.

Landing hard on his head, Sasuke quickly jumped back to his feet. The great dragon roared, shooting all sorts of objects out of its mouth toward Sasuke. Sharingans blazing red, the boy easily dodged the volley of trees, ran under the barrage swords, ducked between the pillars of lava, only to be hit by a TV. After hitting the ground, Sasuke immediately got back up and charged the dragon, before being knocked back to the ground again, but this time by a rock. Bouncing back, he charged again, only to be hit by a chair; the next attack a Gaara plush doll; after that a lion.

It was at this point that Sasuke began to think that he might need to reformulate his plan of attack. He tried to call to Sai for help, but the young artist seemed to be preoccupied with counting how many bristles were in his brushes. Heavily injured, and exhausted from all the day's events, Sasuke gave up. He fell onto his back, closed his eyes, and sighed. It was all over now; he might as well get comfortable.

As the dragon crept up to him, preparing to strike with another flying tree, Sasuke thought to himself, "Oh well, it's over, I just can't see a way to beat this thing." He opened his arms to embrace his tree filled demise and waited. But the tree filled death never came. Carefully, he opened his eyes to see that the dragon was now covering its eyes.

Sasuke scratched his head, "What's going on here?" he thought, before forgetting the odd event and getting comfortable again. "I don't want to check it out, I don't care, I just want to go to bed. So ironic: I'm so tired, but I can't sleep."

Immediately after he finished that very thought, he heard a huge crash before him. Opening his eyes again, he saw that the dragon had fallen to the ground, and was dead asleep.

Sasuke blinked, stood, and yelled at the dragon, "I can't wake up!"

The dragon awoke, spied Sasuke and opened its mouth for another tree missile.

"I can shoot random objects out of my mouth!"

The dragon opened its mouth wide and roared, but no trees came out.

Sasuke smiled, and began yelling everything he could think of. "I can move my arms! I can fly! I can turn people into monkeys! I can juggle flaming pirates blind folded! I can-" but that other thing Sasuke can do would never be found out, as everything went silent around him. He tried to move, but he seemed to be encased in some sort of bubble. Out of the silence came the dragon's booming voice, "Hah! You forgot the ability to trap people in soundproof glass jars!"

Furious, Sasuke yelled at the top of his lungs, which produced no sound. He glared at the now advancing monster before him. Claws raised, the dragon was about the strike when Sasuke breathed onto the glass jar he was encased in, and wrote in the fogged glass with his finger, "I can be alive."

The dragon promptly fell over dead.

Sasuke punched his way out of his prison and stood on the dragon's corpse.

"Get down here!"

* * *

Woah…Sorry again that it has been so long. I hope this chapter makes you laugh to compensate. 


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